Read One Foot In The Gravy Online

Authors: Rosen, Delia

One Foot In The Gravy

Also by Delia Rosen
A BRISKET A CASKET
One Foot
in the
Gravy
Delia Rosen
KENSINGTON PUBLISHING CORP.
All copyrighted material within is Attributor Protected.
Chapter 1
“The Creeping Leeches?” Thomasina said as she approached the van. “Lawfy, what kinda sick, disgustin’ name is that?”
I folded a stick of gum in my mouth as I eyed the logo painted emphatically on the side. Although Thom’s reading of it wasn’t entirely correct, her reaction was understandable. I had worries of my own that the realistic painted leeches forming the letters might kill people’s appetites. But transportation was transportation and we couldn’t afford to be choosy.
Thom should have known making a fuss wouldn’t help. Then again, when had knowing better ever stopped her from complaining? Under
any
circumstances ?
Luke frowned down at her from the driver’s seat. Moments earlier, he’d swung into the alley between my restaurant and the country-western nightclub next door, braking loudly in front of the service entrance. An unlit cigarette hung from his mouth— he was trying to gratify his oral fixation while once-and-for-all, no-I-really-mean-it quitting the habit cold-turkey—and his orphan’s don’t-give-mecrap attitude hung from his brow.
I’d been waiting there on a somewhat muggy afternoon with my manager for about fifteen minutes. We were both a little grumpy.
“Before you criticize, Thom, you oughta try’n read it right,” Luke said through his lowered passenger window. “Ain’t no ‘the’ in it. And it’s writ
CreepLeeches
—one word—for a reason.”
“And what might that reason be?” she demanded, turning away.
“Reason’s the rockabilly group that owns the van ought to know how they want their name spelled. And you’re lookin’ at their official tour vehicle.”
“I’m all a-tingle.”
“You should be,” Luke said. “And stickin’ to the point, you should show some respect. A name’s a name’s a name. Like mine’s Luke. Like yours is Thomasina Jackson. And like Nash here’s, well, y’know . . .”
Luke scratched under his ear, realizing I wasn’t the best example he could have chosen. See, it’s a little tricky. Nash is short for Nashville Katz, my full nickname. The “Nashville” part refers to the location of my restaurant—Murray’s—which happens to be the first and only Jewish deli in Music City. The “Katz” comes from my
real
name, Gwen Katz. And the whole thing is a play on the title of an old Lovin’ Spoonful song that without question could have been written about my late Uncle Murray, from whom I’d inherited the place right before my messy, humiliating New York divorce from the Pied Piper of Stripper-land was finalized.
Told you it was tricky, didn’t I?
“Okay, forget Nash,” Luke said. He was still looking at Thom. “I want to hear where you figure we’d be if the
CreepLeeches
hadn’t loaned us their ride.”
“Inside, where we belong, preparin’ for dinner,” she said, still looking away. “And if you don’t stop repeatin’ that godawful name, I’m gonna puke! I didn’t sign up to be no deliverywoman for some rich old crackpot.”
I checked my watch and decided it was time to interrupt. As much as they enjoyed squabbling with each other, we had to get cracking. “Easy, Thom, that’s unfair,” I said. “Lolo Baker’s a good customer.”
Thom “phewed.” “Glad you didn’t say ‘nice lady,’” she said. “’Cause she’s a snob, one who’s got nothin’ better to do with her nights than playact with her friends. God, I wish I had the time to be eccentric and stuff.”
“Don’t change the subject. We were talking about her dinner party—”

Murder
party,” Thom interrupted. “You can at least be truthful about what it is while tryin’ to persuade me she ain’t batty.”
“Okay, fine. If you stop being so obnoxious,” I said.
Thom’s brow furrowed under her bob of silver hair. “How’m I being obnoxious?”
I sighed. “Because it’s ridiculous for us to argue about this. First and foremost, it’s a paying gig. Second, audience-participation dinner shows are mega-popular everywhere. Third, Lolo’s into reading murder mysteries. I don’t see a problem here.”
“I think throwing a mystery-themed dinner is a fun idea,” Luke tossed in.
Thomasina shot him a sneer, saw the logo again, and looked away. “Well, I think it’s silly. She can get half-naked men in Spartacus costumes to serve her food for all I care.”
“Then—I’m not getting what your problem is,” I told her.
“It’s since when are
we
in the caterin’ business?”
I shrugged. “Since Lolo offered to pay us big-time.”
“Then you admit this is about her havin’ oodles of money.”
“Who cares? Did I ever tell you it hurt? You know how much we’re taking in for the party. Businesses have to grow—”
“Says who?” Thom frowned disapprovingly. “In all the years he owned the deli, Murray never mentioned a word about growin’—”
“Maybe that’s true,” I said. “But things change.”
“How, why, and who said so? Why should
any
thing be different besides you bein’ in charge nowadays? Oh, and because of that fact, your boyfriend Royce Sinclair wantin’ to buy us out.”
I looked at her. “That isn’t fair. It’s been six months since Royce approached us. And he isn’t my boyfriend.”
“Oh, no?” Her tone went from critical to knowing as smooth—and cutting—as a meat slicer. “Then what you gonna call him, sugar?”
The phrase
unstoppable turbocharged sex dynamo
jumped into my head, but I wasn’t sure that would help make my case. I was starting to feel woozy. Maybe it was yet another debate with my staff. Or maybe it was the van’s gas fumes pooling in the alley. Whatever, it was time to break this up.
“Listen, if you want to argue, count me out,” I replied. “I shouldn’t have to remind you, but I will, that our insurance premiums doubled after the flood. We can use some added revenue. And special events planning is just an extension of what we already do. It’s honorable. It’s
smart.

“Smart,” Thom repeated. She stood there scowling at me a few seconds. Then she nodded back toward the van. “Might I ask how rollin’ up to Belle Meade in that eyesore’s gonna make us look? Or you really think Lolo’s a fan ’a the Slime Bugs?”
“CreepLeeches!”
Luke shouted. “I suggest you get that straight, because the band’s got itself a huge followin’.”
“Yeah? In what
swamp?

“You ain’t the slightest bit funny.” Luke shook his head. “People do us a favor, we ought to be grateful. My cousin Zach and his boys were even kind enough to remove their instruments—”
“Your
cousin
? The one with the wishbone nose ring? He’s a Creeping Leech?”

CreepLeeches!
Yes, the son of the aunt and uncle who raised me, and who was kind enough to clear the van—except for a drum kit and some cables—so we’d have plenty of room for food.”
“Speaking of which,” I said, tapping my watch, “we’d better get ready to roll.”
Thom looked at me. “So you really intend to go through with this deal, batty biddy, bloodsucking bugs, and all?”
“Right you are, Thom. We’re professionals, and whatever you might think, this job’s important to us. It’ll open doors. I have absolutely no intention of blowing it.”
She opened her mouth to answer, then seemed to change her mind. It was almost two o’clock on a Saturday afternoon and the murder mystery dinner was set for seven p.m. Moreover, we’d booked it several weeks before. Her grumbling aside, Thomasina really was as professional as they came. She would have never backed out—or expected
me
to back out—at this late stage. Complaining was just her way of venting. She hadn’t made it the fine art my own family had, but then her folks weren’t Old World.
Losing the sour puss was another story, of course, and I got a serious eyeful of it from her when the service door swung open and twenty-two-year-old college dropout Newt—that’s short for Newton Trout, nothing complicated there—poked his head into the alley. He was wearing his cook’s cap and apron and had wrapped his bushy brown whiskers in a beard net.
“Hope ya’ll are good ’n’ ready,” he said. “Ever ything’s about set to go.”
I faced him and started ticking off items on my mental checklist. “The turkey—?”
“Carved.”
“The corned beef and pastrami?”
“Laid out on platters.”
“The goulash?”
“Packed in a hot food carrier,” Newt said. “Same for the stuffed cabbage and meatballs.”
“Knishes, kugel, latkes, kasha, varnishkes . . .”
“Got them too. Plus plenty of supper rolls.”
“Pickles?”
“Sours, half-sours, you name it.”
“And the sides?”
“I just got the lid down on a six-pound tub of coleslaw. It was so chock full, I practically had to stomp it shut with my foot.”
“Let’s make sure to tell that to Lolo,” Thomasina said.
“Jimmy crammed another one with potato salad and we got a smaller one for some of your uncle’s special bean stew.”
“What about the garlic eggplant canapés? The ones we’re supposed to serve to just one guest?”
“Present and accounted for.”
“Do we know who that is yet?” Thom asked.
“No,” I told her. “Lolo will let us know. She said there will be other instructions and not to worry about them now.”
I was feeling pretty good when panic struck. “The Sterno! Oh,
crap
, I forgot to order the—”
“Watch your foul mouth!” Thomasina interrupted. “Girl, when you gonna learn better’n to be
vulgar
?”
“Right, sorry, let’s try this again,” I said. “Oh
Lawfy,
Newt, this is a real bitch-stinker of a screwup. What in goddamned
hell
are we going to do
now
?”
I deliberately avoided looking in Thom’s direction. But I could feel her disapproval wash over me like the heat of an open oven on broil.
“Don’t fret,” Newt said heroically. “A.J. stopped by our wholesaler on her way into work, bought a whole carton of Canned Heat.”
“Goin’up the country . . .”
Luke sang foolishly, entertaining only himself.
“Has anyone seen her yet?” I asked.
“She’s waitin’ in that fancy new convertible of hers.” Newt jerked his chin toward the outdoor parking lot at our rear. “Oh, and I asked one of the busboys to dig the warmin’ trays outta the storeroom. He’s gonna put them in her backseat so she can drive them over to the party.”
Relieved, I exhaled through my mouth, my gum almost shooting from it like a dart from a blowgun. “What about Medina and Vernon?”
“They already started out in Vern’s rust bucket.”
I nodded. That would leave us seriously undermanned at the restaurant and force Raylene Sue Chappell, one of my best waitresses, to work the cash register. But I didn’t see an alternative. Lolo was plugged in to Nashville high society in a major way, and some of the city’s most influential people would be among her guests that night. If word of mouth on our first catering gig was positive, there would be many more. If not, we’d be deader than the fake corpse at her soiree.
“All right, Newt, I think we’ve covered everything,” I said. “As long as you’re okay holding the fort tonight. . . .”
“Don’t you worry,” he said. “We’ll be fi—”
He broke off all at once, gawking at the van with his mouth wide open. I realized he had just noticed the logo on its side.
“Whoa! Is it my imagination or are those letters supposed to look like slugs?”
“Worms,” Thomasina said.
“Leeches!” Luke moaned. His arm was hanging out the window and he slapped the door in frustration. “Can’t any of you folks
read
?”
Newt stared at him, his brow crinkling in disgust. “I stand corrected,” he said. “I mean, leeches. They’re gonna look a lot less nauseatin’ when they roll in with our food, now won’t they?”
Luke made a bulldog face. It was time to go.
 
 
Four hours later, Thom and I were in the immense dining hall of Lola Baker’s restored antebellum plantation house, giving our buffet tables a final inspection. All pillars, porticoes, porches, gables and hanging eaves, the estate was set on three acres of farmland that had been in Lola’s family for generations—well, technically, in her late husband Colton’s family for generations. It had been years, if not decades, since crops had grown in its fields, but Lola didn’t need their production in order to stay rolling in ripe green stacks of moolah. Thanks to Colton making some successful high-yield investments back in the freewheeling 1990s, she could afford to sit back and let the value of her financial shares grow . . . and grow and grow and grow. No watering, fertilizer, or plows required. As a retired accountant, I appreciated his foresight almost as much as she did.
“Well, now, it seems to me everybody’s here,” Thom said, looking up from a tray of beef goulash. The room’s mahogany pocket doors had been slid back into the wall, giving us a wide-open view of the parlor where Lola’s guests were having cocktails and hors d’oeuvres. “Another few minutes and they can come fill their faces before the stupidity begins . . . though I suspect some of the men might stay behind to get better acquainted with A.J.’s bra.”